is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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