Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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