before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
