Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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