how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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