i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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