connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
