put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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