I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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