Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My vagina is officially offended.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
