I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
