made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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