I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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