Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
