I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He shit in the fireplace
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
