they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
