I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think a kid would responsible me up
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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