I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
