I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
This gyro tastes like lonliness
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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