the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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