I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
