Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
