i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
