You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
