another moral hangover. fuck.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
