All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
