4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
