chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
it hurts more in the daytime
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
