I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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