your parents love me but you hate me
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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