the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You pole danced in your parka.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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