i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
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I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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