You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
