it was like his penis was on wheels.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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