i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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