He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
