I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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