Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
