the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
