I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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