it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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