just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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