She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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