The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
is wine microwaveable?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
