Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
