Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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