umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
