sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
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