why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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