I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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