Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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