I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
