I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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