At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
