What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Randomize
