Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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