I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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