"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
